This blog is meant to be about me, I suppose. Well, here goes into the deep end.
Over the last year or so I have been feeling increasingly disconnected from life. As though I am some sort of marionette - responding to the orders of some higher power but feeling no real control or autonomy of myself. I can list with ease all of the possible reasons that I feel this way...
Primarily, I have not had consistent paid work for the last 9 months. My parents have been helping me out with things like phone bills and when I have no cash for groceries. My credit card bill was $1600 down before the K-Rudd fundage and my tax return. Even without the massive debt looming over my head - any spending that I do outside of groceries or fuel is met with an immediate sense of guilt and worry that I will have to ask for more emergency cash.
Consequently (and secondly), any passion that I feel for anything is immediately deflated as soon as I have to open my wallet. Example - I have been going to Bikram Yoga and feeling fantastic about it. I love the way it makes me feel. I never feel self-conscious going there, like I do with regular gym. I walk out feeling as though I have cleaned every part of my self - corporeal or otherwise. I walk out thinking "now here is something I can really feel passionate about." But I can only afford a ten-entry pass (and that is pushing it) and with every entry I use up I feel the stress of having to spend more money start to swell in my stomach.
I hate student living. I am living in shared accomodation with 3 other Uni students. I have been living there since the beginning of 2008 and will leave 31st December 2009. And man will I get pissed that night. Over these two years only one of my roommates could be described as a "good" friend - we have chats while making our budget meals, we whinge about the state of the boys' bathroom and we stare in horror at the roaches climbing the walls. Another roommate is a casual aquaintance. If we're in the same room we may talk, we may not. If we talk it will be amiable. Normally he has earphones in so it doesn't matter. The third roommate was originally a shut-in but, as I found out after he left, was actually a fire-twirler with the Uni circus society and was very much into rock climbing and all sorts of highly carcinogenic activities. He moved out and we're now living with a young boy from Hong Kong who can barely speak any English but has his heart set on studying commerce. We have had two conversations in our living relationship. The first developed into a full on discussion of Australian colonial history. The other was him telling me that The Simpsons was funny but he hadn't watched the movie yet. Oh and there was a third - where I scared him by intentionally setting off the circuit breaker in our apartment. Suffice it to say I am staring at next year with the intent burning gaze of Khat as she decides what to kill next. Don't let the picture fool you - she is a killing machine.
That's enough sadness for now - cue the upbeat "I'm gonna make it after all" type music.
So this blog is not meant to solve any of those problems - I am certainly not expecting to make any money out of it. Nor am I really expecting to feel a surge or passion about writing in it. I suppose what I really wanted to do was use it as a diary. A place to feel creative when I am feeling stifled. A place that I can make to really be about me...the irony being that thousands, maybe millions of people have already done exactly the same thing. No matter. The Proud Nation of Procrasti is a place where I go when I want to not play the Life game right now. Put the world on hold and indulge myself in finding out what really makes me happy. Creating, consuming, thinking... all of the above and more. Who knows what will happen in the Nation of Procrasti.
This is really an opportunity to shout out into the void and see if anyone is listening.
Over the last year or so I have been feeling increasingly disconnected from life. As though I am some sort of marionette - responding to the orders of some higher power but feeling no real control or autonomy of myself. I can list with ease all of the possible reasons that I feel this way...
Primarily, I have not had consistent paid work for the last 9 months. My parents have been helping me out with things like phone bills and when I have no cash for groceries. My credit card bill was $1600 down before the K-Rudd fundage and my tax return. Even without the massive debt looming over my head - any spending that I do outside of groceries or fuel is met with an immediate sense of guilt and worry that I will have to ask for more emergency cash.
Consequently (and secondly), any passion that I feel for anything is immediately deflated as soon as I have to open my wallet. Example - I have been going to Bikram Yoga and feeling fantastic about it. I love the way it makes me feel. I never feel self-conscious going there, like I do with regular gym. I walk out feeling as though I have cleaned every part of my self - corporeal or otherwise. I walk out thinking "now here is something I can really feel passionate about." But I can only afford a ten-entry pass (and that is pushing it) and with every entry I use up I feel the stress of having to spend more money start to swell in my stomach.
I hate student living. I am living in shared accomodation with 3 other Uni students. I have been living there since the beginning of 2008 and will leave 31st December 2009. And man will I get pissed that night. Over these two years only one of my roommates could be described as a "good" friend - we have chats while making our budget meals, we whinge about the state of the boys' bathroom and we stare in horror at the roaches climbing the walls. Another roommate is a casual aquaintance. If we're in the same room we may talk, we may not. If we talk it will be amiable. Normally he has earphones in so it doesn't matter. The third roommate was originally a shut-in but, as I found out after he left, was actually a fire-twirler with the Uni circus society and was very much into rock climbing and all sorts of highly carcinogenic activities. He moved out and we're now living with a young boy from Hong Kong who can barely speak any English but has his heart set on studying commerce. We have had two conversations in our living relationship. The first developed into a full on discussion of Australian colonial history. The other was him telling me that The Simpsons was funny but he hadn't watched the movie yet. Oh and there was a third - where I scared him by intentionally setting off the circuit breaker in our apartment. Suffice it to say I am staring at next year with the intent burning gaze of Khat as she decides what to kill next. Don't let the picture fool you - she is a killing machine.
That's enough sadness for now - cue the upbeat "I'm gonna make it after all" type music.So this blog is not meant to solve any of those problems - I am certainly not expecting to make any money out of it. Nor am I really expecting to feel a surge or passion about writing in it. I suppose what I really wanted to do was use it as a diary. A place to feel creative when I am feeling stifled. A place that I can make to really be about me...the irony being that thousands, maybe millions of people have already done exactly the same thing. No matter. The Proud Nation of Procrasti is a place where I go when I want to not play the Life game right now. Put the world on hold and indulge myself in finding out what really makes me happy. Creating, consuming, thinking... all of the above and more. Who knows what will happen in the Nation of Procrasti.
This is really an opportunity to shout out into the void and see if anyone is listening.
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